Discharge
23 Jan 2008 3 Comments
in aging, Change, children, elderly, family
Well, Andy’s dad is coming home on Saturday from the rehab facility. Now the fun begins. He got around the apartment okay with his walker; only a few minor furniture placements need to be addressed.
It wasn’t until yesterday that it really hit me how much this whole situation affects my children. They are struggling to be normal kids in this world with all the activities and friends and stuff that goes with that. They deserve to have fun and don’t worry about the grown ups in their life…only that’s not what’s happening. I spent the long weekend at home with all three of them and still can’t get over how irritable they are. Erin wants to sleep all the time and needs to be prodded to go to her friend’s house. Colin won’t let go of my leg when I’m here and Liam wants out. None of that is good and none of that is the way it used to be. They have two working parents who also have the responsibility of taking care of their aging grandparents.
While I was supposed to be home yesterday with my kids I spent the morning (two hours of it) helping to balance the checkbook next door. Unplanned, unannounced and without thought to how it would affect others. It just happened that way and so when my kids looked at me and said “I thought you were going to be HERE today” I nearly cried. They miss their mom and dad cause when we are here; we aren’t here.
Something’s gotta give. I just don’t know what. And, it’s gotta give soon.
Trial Run
22 Jan 2008 1 Comment
in aging, elderly, family, grief, nursing, Parkinson's Disease
Four and a half years ago, Andy and I made a decision that has greatly affected our lives in ways we weren’t prepared for. We bought a property with an in-law quarters so that his parents could move in. At the time, the decision was made because his mother was having some mobility issues. That has resolved. But, in the meantime, his dad’s Parkinson’s Disease has taken hold and crippled him and is beginning to suffocate those around him.
Over a month ago, Andy’s dad was admitted to the hospital with severe dehydration. He had been sick for weeks and neither he nor his wife were taking care of it. They are fiercely independent and wouldn’t seek medical care for what they thought was a minor illness. He became sicker while hospitalized and then transferred to a skilled care facility for rehabilitation. The goal of rehab is to get him home again.
During his absence, we have begun to learn more and more about Andy’s parents. The facade they have constructed during 60 years of marriage is crumbling and the picture isn’t so pretty anymore. So much energy has been spent on doing the “right” things in public and being the “right” person and not enough energy spent on developing relationships or being at all real. There seems to be no one around them except us. Even their church has no idea what their real struggles are and there are no friends in the congregation at all. The pastor shows up on occasion to visit at the nursing home, but that’s it.
Today the therapist from the nursing home is coming here to see the apartment. Andy’s dad will be here too to try and show her how well he can care for himself at home. Hopefully it involves a walker and a wheelchair. It’s his trial run. I’m sure he’ll put on a great show; I’m not sure she’ll get the real picture.
We’re frustrated and irritated and sometimes angry. We’re sad and confused and often stressed out. We are at a loss for what to do; what would truly be the best thing to do. We know they need more physical on-site care. We also know they won’t allow that yet from anyone outside. So, that leaves us to either drop everything and be here or just go about our lives and watch them struggle with their day because they’re too proud or independent to ask for help. Much of his physical care falls on Andy’s mom. She can’t handle it. She doesn’t want to handle it and she’s made that very clear to her kids but she won’t tell her husband that. So, instead, she does whatever he wants at her own risk.
I struggle with being home for them more. It wouldn’t hurt my kids either if I was here more than at work. But, we’d be financially incapable of maintaining our property or anything else. So, that’s not a choice. Andy has even considered quitting his job to be here; that’s not a viable option either.
So…we’ll see how today’s trial goes. Then we’ll know more about what will happen in the near future. The only thing for sure is that it just won’t be easy. For anyone.
So You Say